My Boy Secret

So recently, I have been talking to this guy online. I hesitate to write anything about liking any guy because of several reasons.  I shall list them!
1. Because I know people will judge that I met him online.
2. Because a year, a month, a day from now I could look at this and think what the fuck was I so infatuated with that loser for?!
3. If I do get over him, I normally look back at my infatuations with embarrassment over how I behaved like such a giggly moron.
4. I also tend to over analyze what I have done wrong when all is said and done; so it is not always pleasant to have records of it.
5. MOST OF ALL, I hate the words being in black and white. Revealing my feelings means revealing the ill covered hope that someone will actually love me one day.

Now I'm not saying I'm in love with this boy by any means. I mean, we have yet to meet in person! But I do have this weird fear that I will be Forever Alone and so saying I like someone is like saying maybe they will keep me from being alone, even just for now.

I really don't want to put that much pressure on any one's shoulders.  O_o

So this boy in my life has caused me to feel some awesome/ sometimes not so awesome feelings. I feel awesome because he gets me on a weird level of I can ask all the millions of random questions I want and he asks back.  Somehow we click?  The not so good feelings are fear of rejection.  But mostly he makes me feel confident. So recently, I'm guessing due to the good feelings of confidence, I feel like I have a bunch of guys who are into me, or think I'm cute or whatever.  Maybe now that I know one guy is into me, I can see it easier?

Well regardless of why I am getting more male attention, it has inspired a list of what I want from a guy... more specifically my future husband, but any guy will do.

As always, prepare yourself for a barrage of pictures!

• I want intimate moments... not the kinds where sex is involved, but the intamacy of sitting in silence or doing things that make your stomache flip flop from how romantic or sweet they were.

Writing on me means writing on my heart

• I want someone who will build forts with me where we can spend whole afternoons.

The perfect way to spend a rainy day

• I want someone who can be artsy with me, whether it involves music, drawing or whatever.

We make beautiful art together =
We make beautiful music together

• I want someone who will make me some beautiful music! Mix tapes, play me your favorite song, awaken within me a passion for a new band!

John Hughes did have it right <3

• Someone who dances or sings or just rocks out at random times with me

maybe not to Phil Collins? 

• I want a love like Jim and Pams... someone to be completely my goofy ass self with who loves me for it.

Mental image captured

• I want someone who will play my silly games: The floor is lava, Dance off, Penis Game, ect. 

penis... Penis... PENIS... PEEEEENNIISSSS!!!!

• I want someone who will give me a library!

haha, this was a joking one (sorta)...
Man do I love Beauty and the Beast!

Well those were the wants.  Here are my NEEDS!

• Someone to play with.

I'm a contender, bitch!

• Someone to put up with my bullshit mood swings.

Of course I have a sunshiney ass!

• I need you to hold my hand as you drive ... I don't know why, I just need something to do with my hands I guess.

Taking on the world together

• I need someone who is going to feel bad for hurting me, and always try to make it up afterwards... because, let's be honest, we are going to hurt each other. 

I want to be tucked against a chest, held tight,
knowing he loves me after all the bullshit

• I need someone who will still be there for me when I start to push him away. When I start freaking out and hurting him because I want him to go find someone less damaged or less deranged. 

This movie is a great example of pushing away
It  gives me hope that even if I push him away,
my Jake will not leave

• I need someone who loves me regardless of time, distance, or any other obstacles that may keep us apart.

Sweet reassurance that you have found someone to spend your life with

• I need him to love cats! 

Loving books and naps are also a plus!

• No lie, he has to love high fives.  My relationship will not work if he is mocking my need of high fives. 

Don't hurt your screen trying to high five this dude!
Gently people, gently

• A guy who is going to tell me his feelings with conviction and without being ashamed.

Mr. Darcy, the original panty dropper

• Someone who can help me beat the water levels.  Who can put up with me calling Princess Peach a "Cheating Whore" while playing Mario Kart.

<3 I would date him in a heart beat

• Someone who knows all this random shit about me and doesn't just put up with it, but loves all of my quirks.

I need all of this. 

• I need him to understand that intimacy comes from us, not the sex we have.  

I know I covered the intimacy and holding hands... but it is just this damn important to me!

• Someone that will stay in bed with me all day cuddling.
• Someone that kisses me on the forehead.
• I need to feel our smiles while we are kissing.

This screams love

• I want a guy who understands my past, my fears, and will help me to trust him and work through it. (Yes specifically I am talking about The Biggest Secret, better known as my rape.)

I want to fill his scars as much as he fills mine

• Obviously I want someone I find amazingly attractive and who I can have amazing sex with and turns me on all the time... but more than that, I want all of those things when we are 80.

I want my grandkids to say we are crazy,
yet want to be just like us one day <3

So this was my blog on what I want and what I need.  Obviously these are the only things on my check list for men... but they are the more unique things I want that not every other girl would.  Take it or leave it, we all need love and at least I know what I won't give up on my quest to find it. 

So wish me luck on this (younger) guy who makes me giddy, introduces me to music, and trades shitty MS paint pictures with me (:  

Until next time, my loves 

Big Fat Secret

This post is all about weight.  Get it.  Big FAT Secret, hahaha.

me and puns today, I'm tellin ya! hahahahahah

Let me start off my warning that some of these pictures show women mostly naked.  Also let me inform you that I am 5'3 and 185 pounds. I may be "obese" but that doesn't make me not hot. Let me just be honest, I am pretty freaking amazing looking (;

So it sort of relates to my food post (to be done at later date) but then again it doesn't.

Being fat doesn't mean that you eat too much or don't exercise enough, sometimes it is just how the body is.  So before I go on ranting, I am going to explain that it was pictures that made me want to make this blog.

Pictures like:

Uhh, other than loving me for me?

 AND

I'd rather keep calm and eat a cupcake!

I mean, what type of message are we sending our girls?  That Being skinny is the only thing that matters.... well yeah. That is the message. And I just want to say, fuck all of that.

Kate Moss once said "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."  What type of fucked up life is she living.   Why the hell do we encourage people to walk down runways looking like Skeletor and tell our kids that this is what they should strive to be. This is couture. This is beauty.

Who doesn't want to look like this?

These thoughts cause so many problems with our psyches.

She just needs to lose five more pounds

Our girls see this every day when they look in the mirror.  They don't see the beauty that they are, they see how they are not "normal" or "hot".  Well, my darlings...

You are beautiful

I mean, why the hell are size -1 girls the ideal now? What happened to sexy girls with big child bearing hips and plush bodies being hot?

mmmm, I like the rubbing of her thighs!

I'm not saying that skinny girls are the devil, in fact they can be beautiful as well as bigger girls.  Everyone has beauty in them.  Sometimes it is hard for us to see it in others, especially when we are blinded by what others are telling them is beauty.

All of these women are beautiful

So here are some things that make me, a bigger lady feel better about my own big ass self!

I too love my tig o bitties... also this girl looks fucking RAD!

The books The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round things (about a girl who refuses to lose weight to make her family happy) and This Book is Fat its Fabulous (AMAZING!! About a girl who goes to fat camp with anger because she says she loves herself but she finds out what it really means to love herself at the camp).

It is pretty big and cushy!

Fat Bottom Girls by Queen (though I wouldn't want a man to serenade me with it O_o )

I love this Nike ad because it shows a woman who is fit, yet who has curves!

She does look amazing!

So now that I feel all self promoting about my weight and how amazing I am, and feel as though I made some shitty blog about nothing but things that make me feel better I'll sign off.  Let me just say two things.

One being:  This woman is beautiful, and I am so envious of her because of that beauty and her obvious happiness and acceptance

<3

And if people can't accept you because your thighs rub together or because you have a birthmark or your hair is the wrong color... well...

they can suck your (nonexistant?) dick

The Biggest Secret

So, I am possibly giving away the most important secret of all and it is early in the game kids!

^ So true ^

So my lovelies, this is a story about my scars.... well mostly one scar that has had astounding impact. I don't know how to start this, so I will just start writing and possibly fill in the blanks later.

I shall start by giving away the surprise NOW!

Once upon a time I was date raped.  

I guess the background is that I was new to college and I was hanging out with my guy friends a lot and drinking fairly regularly because it helped me to get over the heartbreak that had recently happened to me.  I got to meet a lot of cool new dudes and make some new friends I wouldn't have otherwise.  Well fast forward to around Christmas time and I have a couple of school girl crushes on some of my guy friends.  We all went to an XXXmas bash at a local fraternity.  I wanted to have a good time, but all they had were shots of tequilla, so I started shooting tequilla with my guys.  I am kind of a light weight so I got loosey goosey pretty fast.  But then something strange happened.  I passed out at a party.  I have never had this happen to me before or sense.  One of my crushes volunteered to take me home and he had to basically carry me there. My memories from this fade in and out pretty regularly.  I remember being woken up and told I passed out and I remember him dragging me down an ally begging me to just walk a little.  I remember finally being in my room and being so excited to just sleep.   

Sleep indeed.  He wanted sex and I didn't.  I told him no and no and no but he kept undressing me and kissing me and saying yeah and it would be fine and everything, so finally I said "Put on a condom".  Then I black out again.  Next thing I remember it is morning and he wakes up and leaves.  

To go back a bit.  Once this same boy, who I liked, was drunk at a party so I volunteered to drive him home so he didn't wreck.  When there, I said I would sleep on the couch but he said he would like me to sleep in the bed and he would be a gentleman.  And he was.  Until I was asleep.  I woke up to him cuddling up to me and playing with the waist band on my pants like he was trying to get into them. I was scared and uncertain so I curled into a ball and he had to give up and go to bed.  

Now you think I am dumb on several levels.  I liked a boy who had already tried to touch me in my sleep (molestation)  but I rationalized that he was drunk and that he probably didn't even mean to.  Besides he didn't even get in my panties, I had stopped him.  Then I got drunk, at a party (some of you will probably say A FRAT PARTY NONE THE LESS!! but there is always chance of problems anywhere, frats, bars, house parties, whatever) and went home with the same man that had previously tried to molest me.  Well my only response to this is that I still had a soft spot for him and the fact that I was in no state to refuse help getting home from any of my friends. 

So back to the date rape part.  I call it date rape because it was a friend and it was non violent.  At the time though, I had explained what happened to about 3 of my closest friends.  One girl recognized it for what it was and was a saint to try to help me through that time.  My brother made the mistake of telling her that he thought I should have watched my drinking that night without knowing the full story and she went off on him for it.  I told my best guy friend and he told me that since I said put on a condom and I  had liked the boy before that he didn't think that it was rape.  

That was all it took.  One person saying "That isn't rape" and I was too afraid to say it was rape anymore.  I actually got to the point that I convinced myself that it wasn't rape.  But then when I would see that boy, I would become enraged. I had to drink myself into a stuper in order to even bring myself to entering his frat house.  If he was there I would curse at him and glare at him. If he touched me I would start screaming at him to get the fuck away from me.  It got to the point that I couldn't go to his frat anymore because I couldn't stand the thought of being around him.  

One semester later I enrolled in a violence prevention psychology class.  Of course rape was part of this class.  When we discussed rape I broke down in tears because it finally made sense to me.  All of the feelings that I've felt and all of the fear and hate made sense.  I had tried to hide the truth from myself but then it ended up coming out anyways.

And the longer you put it off, the more hurt you are...

So I finally realized the truth.  I could own up to being a victim of rape.. kinda.  With the truth came a lot of thoughts....

Some of the more pervasive thoughts:

* Staying with a boy that I like and not being able to sleep for fear of them trying to reach down my pants

There is something crushing about realizing that you trusted the person who hurt you more than anyone else...

* Someone I liked did this to me... Someone I wanted to date.  How can I be so bad a picking people?

* If a strange man gets too chummy with me at a bar because he thinks I'm hot or cute or funny, I am immediately weary and treat him like an ass because I am afraid of his intentions

* If someone is being too sexual towards me, I clam up and wait to be rescued. 

* If I see the man who did this to me I start shaking and all I want to do is leave.. to run away.  One time I saw him in a bar and I ran outside to cry, but I refused to let him dictate my night like that so I went back in and sat so close with my best guy friend that he joked that I should be sitting in his lap for how much I was "on" him.  He didn't know that I was so afraid that I couldn't force myself to sit any further away from him. 

* I was never "that girl" the kind who would get raped.  I was the girl who reads books for fun and plays Mario Kart and graduated Saluditorian from high school... I'm not the kind of girl who gets raped... but suddenly I am a rape victim and I am EXACTLY that kind of girl. 

I have learned a lot from my experience.  I've learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined.  But I've also learned that I am now very weak as well.  I need to master my fear and not let it control me.  I've also learned that my family is the most understanding and accepting family in the world.  Not once did anyone ever judge me for what happened and they don't see me as a different person the way that I saw myself for a long time.  

No one can ever take away my strength.

~YET~

Not all of my changes are positive and I must accept myself as I am

I still mourn the lost of the life I did not get to live.  I wonder what I would  be like if the rape had never occurred.  I wonder if I would be more social.  If I would be more attractive somehow.  I wonder if I would be less compassionate. 

I wonder if I would like the person I would have become because I definitely like who I am now.  Despite everything,  know that my rape has made me who I am and I like who I am on the whole.

So to the man that raped me:

Times, like, infinity

Some of you are probably thinking that its weird that I worry about telling his friends and hurting his reputation and telling him and hurting him because of losing his virginity that night but the truth is, victims protecting their attacker is semi common.  That and I am afraid.  I am afraid of people saying I am doing it for attention, afraid of people saying that I wasn't raped, afraid of him and his reaction (I mean I can't stand to be in his presence with no interaction, imagine if he had an angry outburst toward me...)  I'm afraid of so many things.  I have to work on that too because I will never truly be a survivor until I can own up and say eff off to all of those who doubt me.  

So remember, dear readers

Women either!

And remember that these secrets and this blog are meant to help out people with what they are going through. Don't let  this one blog make you think of me as "a rape victim" and don't let the last one make you think of me as "an emo"... how about this, just don't label me, because you have much more to learn before you can fit me into anyone one label (trust me, I still can't figure out what label I fit... other than BADARSE!)

The actual Biggest Secret!

So goodbye for now my loves.  To see you off, I will share this with you... it makes my life every time I see it!

SO FREAKING AMAZING!

THIS IS THE CUTEST DOG IN A MAILBOX EVER!   

I DARE YOU TO FIND CUTER!

Next blog: The Dual Personalities or Food or Books... I don't know, I like a lot of things!

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

That is a good song.  Youtube it.  Its by Elvis.  Not that I'm some sort of Elvis fanatic...

Also, I did want to update this at least once a week, but that went out the window.  I know that I'm fairly anonymous on here, yet there is something scary about opening up...even if no one reads it.

So this post is about me being all blah... just to warn you. I'll try to keep it short and try to not visit the same mood set often.  No promises though.

It does make for a good variance in art though...

So tonight I am feeling lonely.  This wouldn't be such a shock if I haven't been feeling optimistic until about an hour ago.

Optimistic in the point that I had the overwhelming feeling that something good was in the works for me.  Like the universe was going to open up and shine down on me and make some of my dreams come true.  Then I get home to my silent room and my optimism completely dies and is replaced by a morose feeling of forever alone-ness.

I love honey!

The thing is, I joke about being forever alone all the time. It stems partially from my complete love of cats.  But whatever reason tonight, I had the overwhelming sense that this is it, this is all my life will be.

I was once told by one of my best friends that I am one of the most loving people he has ever known. Genuinely loving he said. Not just towards him and those that I am close to, but to everyone. He says he has never seen me be truly mean to someone without feeling guilty later or without them deserving it.  And the truth is he is right.  I put everyone before me and I offer them all my caring and support while I don't feel comfortable enough with many of them to ask of the same.  This is not their fault... well not wholly. I put up a wall and I know I do. I've had more best friends than I can count, but when they leave my life, we just let things fall; quick or slow, the conversations dry up and they just become another facebook friend that I don't interact with. So maybe I keep up the wall so that it is easier to break ties.

The mantra of a person in the helping profession... 

But.. I am loved.  Don't get me wrong. But right now, this is how I feel.  That I can't be loved without making them feel that I am what they need.  I am not loved for me, but I am loved for how I make them feel about themselves or for the services I provide.  

Maybe I just need a boyfriend.... A boyfriend, the miracle drug of single ladies everywhere. We automatically believe that they will make our lives better.  Well, I think my life would be better with a boyfriend, so shut it. 

WHY MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER WITH A BOYFRIEND

By Me!

1. Any boyfriend I have will like video games: More video games in my life is always a win
2. He will like my hot ass bod: I'll feel more like I have a bod that is indeed hot ass
3. Cuddling: It is something special when you are being held by someone special
4. Banter: God I love arguing knowing when in the end you will be making up and laughing
5. Sex: Hey, at least I'm being honest. 
6. Love songs would have more meaning: or at least a more personal meaning
7. I wouldn't feel as lonely

I'm sure there are more good reasons of how a boy could make my life better, but I don't want to make it seem as though I need a man to live my life. 

I'd be the girl on the green couch lookin like a librarian!

There is something really vulnerable about loneliness.  Anger empowers, Sadness is understood, and Happiness is appreciated.  Being lonesome is somehow pitied because people will sometimes see it as you being an outcast or unloved.  I am loved.  I just need to be reminded of it.  I'm sure I'll feel better in another day or two when confronted by those signs of love.  But until them, I am going to be a little down.  It doesn't warrant pity or judgment. Just offer your understanding and possibly a hug...

When I feel low, I like to sit on the floor too. It is somehow comforting.