The Secret Desire to be Fabulous

So Its no secret that most people want to be fabulous.

I mean who doesn't want to be fabulous? Everyone wants to be fabulous! 

So this secret is more about how I want to be fabulous... or more so, a bunch of amazing pictures and explanations of how I find them fabulous and how I wish to be like them (:  

Quite the departure from my complainy Nick blogs haha

So anyways! Let me just jump in!

People may define fabulous as makeup and shoes... which don't get me wrong, I find some styles of makeup and shoes very fabulous!

Look at these BAMFS!  

Most of the time, however, I try to define fabulous by the person, what they are doing, or ways that I wish I could be like them.

Gorgeous and laughing? Could she be any more pretty?

A lot of pictures that define fabulous for me are pictures of happy people. Not that fake happy, but real laughs and smiles!  What is with models now and how they always look pissed. I'd much rather see these faces in my magazines... I'd be much more likely to buy their junk.

I wish I could be like her

Sometimes I wish I could be like people based on how brave they are or circumstances they have that I don't.

Amazing dye job, my dear

I am well on my way to being a real adult and therefore have run out of time to get the crazy piercings and dye jobs. I rushed through my undergrad just to be faced with the reality that I never got a chance to explore my rebel fun side.

look how awesome she looks... you can just tell she is awesome

I want to be one of those girls that you walk by and just know that they are freaking amazing people. I want people to walk by me and wish they were that fabulous!

Not rebel-y but def fun

This woman looks amazing to me. amazing smile, amazing fashion, amazing tattoos. I would love to try to pull off this look, but I don't find that I'm cool enough... or maybe I am..

Maybe its not that I'm not cool.. I'm just not confident enough to TRY it.

look how fabulous this lady is... fearless and food!

I would love to stand around in my underwear eating cake that matches my hair... well maybe not my hair since it is just brown (blah!).  Don't get me wrong, brown can be amazing, but without proper sunlight exposure mine looks mousey rather than gorgeous.

BUT! My point is!  I wish I was more confident.

Work it ladies!

I want to love myself soooooo much that I just get naked in front of works of art

so beautiful and fun looking

I want to love my body so much that I take half naked photos of me ROCKING OUT! and not be ashamed to show people.. or not have to take it from an extreme angle or dim lighting...

Play time

I wish I was confident enough to play strip poker with my best friends and not feel embarrassed.

Another thing about the last photo is that sometimes when people do fun things, I wish I was fabulous like them. I wish I was fabulous enough to play strip poker randomly.

om nom nom

I love giraffes.. I wish I was fabulous like this girl feeding them!

Oh, you saucey ladies!

I am always fabulous enough for roller coasters, but there are times I wish I could be this fabulous in my future.

Beauty

I want to be a mom, a good mom. So I wish I was this fabulous.  (Remind me to make a mom post later!)

AMAZING!

Yet, I still want to be fabulous, and remain true to my nerdy self and raise my children to do the same. Also, Look at that woman! her and her daughter are so fabulous!!

Sometimes I wish I could be as fabulous as people, who, really, I am that fabulous

hot mess... like me!

I can be a mess, yet a beauty. Especially when I drink. I think its the only time I actually have swag.

So much fun

I am the type of person who will play on playground... I think I just wish I was this fabulous because how how happy she looks.. I am that happy looking when I'm playing, but mostly when I'm alone, I'm not that carefree (back to the confidence issue).

hahahahahhahaha

So I may not actually do this, but I REALLY wish I could. I love ball pits and when I have the money I for real plan to make a ball pit room in my home.

So as a finish, I guess we all are somewhat fabulous. Earlier I said that I wish that people would walk by me and find me fabulous, but I doubt if it is often as I find them. I find so many people fabulous for so many reasons. I wish I could be them because I'm jealous of them or because I find them amazing or just because they are them with their awesome smiles and gorgeous laughs.

So in closing, I want to say that you have no idea who thinks you're fabulous, so always live like you are fabulous.

Because I find you fabulous.

I also find these babies fabulous. Enjoy.

just bladin

Especially this baby

HOW FABULOUS!!!

Love you, chickies!

Crazy Love Secret

This may be crazy, but in fact I think it is very normal....

I watched the movie Keith tonight.

Its actually quite a good movie

So this movie has just reinforced into me that I want a crazy relationship. I think that is why I was so into Nick.

By different, I mean special to me

I don't want a normal courtship. I want someone who is a stoner or a hippie or is just the complete opposite of me. I want weird and outside of my comfort zone. I want new and exciting. I don't want "normal" I want crazy.  I want someone who pushes my buttons and makes me out of my mind angry, yet someone I can still love.

I can do this

Hollywood makes a killing on girls like me. Girls who know that they want someone complete opposite of them. I don't want the bad boy knowing I'm the good girl however, I'm more attracted to the slacker who is so chill that he helps me to deviate from my crazy uptight life.

Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone

Now I'm not saying that I want to be the only one addicted to my other half. I need him to need me (otherwise I'll run away)

Yin and Yang

I've often talked about how broke I am and how I have flaws and scars and I need someone to accept them. I want to do the same for him. I want to accept his past and his journey just as fully as he has accepted mine

A good book will get me every time!

Both Bob Marley and the writers for Scrubs had it right. I don't need perfection and I don't need all that I think that I do. I will never find a man who meets my qualifications and standards, and yet still is my opposite and someone with whom I will immediately fall for. But I don't need all that...

Who would have thought a man named Bob would be this in touch with life?

I just need this. A crappy show and loving arms

All I need is him needing me and me needing him. That is how love works. Its as simple as all that. Love is needing (not just wanting) one another, and knowing that you are dependent upon them, and yet still giving your heart to them.

This is what I need... and I need him to need the same from me

So I say I want a lot and I need a lot. I want crazy and I want complete opposites. But really. I just want someone who will push me. Who won't accept anything but the best from me and who will help me to become the best I can be.

That said, I really NEED a man who loves cats

Cutest thing I've seen all night.... the cat, not the boy... ... ... maybe its a tie?

So maybe not 100% opposite from me (;

The sparkle in your eyes, The smoke in your breath

So this secret is again about internet boy, Nick.

We finally did get to meet and he locked himself out of his house and I got to chill with his sister. She is awesome and super cool and pretty!  You can tell that they <3 each other and their relationship reminds me of mine with my brother.

Well we got to meet again a couple days later and took a walk with people from his work. Then that night we met up again to hang out. We ended up spending so much time together that I decided to skip sleep in order to stay with him.

That sounds crazy. I know. Just... well another secret my dears is that I love anyone that I can stay up all night with and just talk. If you ever get the chance to do it with me, then just know that part of me has fallen in love with part of you in that one night.

These are the most beautiful nights

So yeah, a little crazy to stay up all night with someone who I barely know. And we did trade secrets. I know more about his family and he knows about mine. I know of his past and he knows a bit of mine. Although he doesn't know The Biggest Secret and he doesn't even know some of the larger yet not so big secrets; but, hey, a girl has to keep her modesty, right?

Good, Bad, Meh.. its all in the past

 and you should be thankful because without it, you wouldn't be who you are. 

Most of the night was strictly friendly but towards the morning, sharing a blanket outside, talking as the sun rises I finally laid my head on his shoulder. At some point he finally held my hand. Soon we laid on the couch, still sharing amazing details of our lives but also wrapping up in each other. He said he could make me some pancakes but I declined because I'd rather be sleepless and hungry than miss out on this. 

Can I call you darling anyways?

Then this amazing boy went and lost his freakin phone. So the texting we had been doing is suddenly out the window. I'm suddenly feeling very vulnerable and scared that the sleeplessness was what caused us to be able to get so close and that he regrets the decision. 

I'm still not convinced this isn't the case. He has told me since then that he has never once lied to me, but at the same time, how do I know that something that is true in one moment is truly true? I need him to grab me by the hand again, or to make it clear that he needs to see my face because his days are not so bright without me. 

And let me tell you, his thoughts can be so amazing

So now I'm at this place where we don't talk for days in a row and I miss seeing him and the excitement I get from that. I begin to think I should message him, yet I don't want to message too much. I feel insecure yet scared. 

Especially with all those other pretty girls posting on his wall;

They have to see the awesome cute boy I see. 

When we do hang out, he doesn't do anything that is a replay of that night we got close. We sit on the couch and joke and watch tv, but no cuddling hand holding or anything. Its like hanging out with a friend. Which is fine! Being his friend is great! But at the same time, I want more and I need to know if he does too. 

Always hold my hand. Always.

So then I start annalyzing everything. If he does this, it means this. If he does that it means something completely different. And I know exactly what my problem is...

Yup, this is me!

So here I am messaging him sometimes but always worried about it. Trying not to step over the friend line because I don't know if that is what he wants. I'm feeling like an insecure 12 year old. I feel happy and sad and excited and lethargic all in one! 

mostly I'm just the last one

But at least I'm not messaging him every single day. I'm pretty impatient, so I kinda want to cyber stalk him, but for now I'm trying to keep my cool. 

I don't think keeping my cool is working...

I think this blog about this random kid in itself makes me a little weird and creepy. 

So now I'm just waiting on him to give me a sign. Just the smallest sign and I'd be willing to be the one that makes the move. I don't need him to be the one who does something first (something I've said in the past) but I do need to know that I'm not jumping out to be crushed with no chance of anyone there to catch me. 

Just ask me and I'll tell you!!

So here's to waiting around for him to message me back. and to praying that for once the universe will shine down upon me and let that beautiful boy with the smoky breath and the hazy house actually like me back. 

Hope is always a good thing to keep aorund

Getting secrets off my mind

So this is an impromptu Secret.

I actually kinda hate blogs.  That isn't my secret.  I just hate them because they seem like a very narcissistic invention. We just assume that others want to know about us and what we think. And it's partially true. We don't want to know about others so much as feel normal when we experience what they experience, or we want to know their secrets and know that while their secrets are out, ours are still safe at home in our minds and hearts.

Well the point of this rant is that, yes, I am using my blog as a way of recording my life as it is happening to me.  Someday I can look back and see I was thinking about weigh issues that week or thinking about Nick this week.  So in a way, this blog about my insecurities and my awesomeness, this blog is my diary that I am opening up for the world to see.

As you can possibly tell, I'm in more of a serious mood tonight, and a little more cynical than usual. I will try to be straight (not as in truth telling) and not get all jumbled in my thoughts, but this blog entry is strictly about all of my thoughts bouncing around and keeping me up so I need a way to get rid of them.

My first secret is how much I hate telling people anything.  I have this block where I don't like telling people my problems or my secrets. And if I do slip up and tell someone my worries, I usually never bring it up again and when they ask about it, I say it is all fine. I don't know that I don't like being taken care of; I'm sure it is quite lovely. I've just always been the carrier for other people, I don't know how to let someone carry me. I have trusted a few people, and weirdly enough, I keep going back to them to trust them, even when the time or situation has changed and they wouldn't expect to be my burden helper. I refuse to let someone else in that way.

I have been utterly loved by someone outside of my family... just once

Next secret is about Nick. That internet boy. Well I still really <3 him, and we have been discussing meeting in person. We have even set up some non dates to meet in person, but every time he doesn't text me. Last time I was SO pissed, I cried because I felt like a failure, like I did something wrong. Then he did finally text me and told me he fell asleep and only just woke up and was late for work and everything and he was so so sorry and would make it up to me if I just told him I didn't hate him.  I actually cried tear of joy at that. WHO DOES THAT?! That is the type of shit that people in horrible relationships do... I'm lucky I've never been in an abusive relationship if I blame myself the the problems and cry with relief when he comes to me with an excuse. I'm not saying that I don't believe the excuse, I just shouldn't let anyone effect me that much. I need to be more... shut off?

I hope I find love after all the bullshit that life has in store for me

  That last image was a little unfair. I don't know that he and I aren't going to work out or become the best of friends or whatever. Its just that we used to text all the time and now I feel like we are both pulling away.

My next secret. I don't know that I have one.   I guess one secret is that I am messaging my friend right now on facebook and he is an amazing guy who is smart as hell and always makes me feel good and I could be in love with him if we date, but I would not do that. I have a lot of friends like that, I think. A lot of guys that I love deeply and who I feel like I can trust and turn to, but I would never date them because of that other secret. I can't risk losing anyone I can confide in because they are so rare.  And I honestly know that it is dumb to say that because all of the best relationships start as friendships. But no. My mind cannot convince my heart to take a leap like that.

This is a good one.  Earlier I said I want to be more closed of, but in truth I am very very closed off.  I need to write a secret about that. Remind me. K?

So basically I feel all whiney because none of this actually matters.  I'm normally a very upbeat person, and when I lose that, I fucking lose it. I become this morose depressed person. I'm only sad for a short period of time, but it is the way it is.  Its not because I have a mental disorder, its just that after carrying all the stress and problems of my friends and family and not really having someone to help shoulder my own problems, after doing that for long enough with a smile on your face, you deserve to fucking break down.

not to brag, but I'm pretty smart

So I feel a break down coming, and I just sort of let it happen. I don't seek help from friends or family. Most of them don't even know that it is happening. I shut myself in my room for about a week and watch movies, any movie really, sad, happy, romantic, scary.. I just watch movies and cry when I hear loving words from those I love or when something touching happens in one of the movies.

How I feel currently.. and look, I'm pretty cute, I must say.
Well maybe not as cute as an owl
<3

So basically, I'm saying no one can be happy 24/7. Life doesn't work that way. My life appears to, and if you ever meet me in person, I won't admit to anything other than my life being fun and amazing, with a coulple of minor annoyances.... But for now, I just need to look on the bright side.  Like my future tattoo. Dum Spiro spero, while I breath, I hope. I just need to keep my hope and my faith, and keep my head up.

but what do you do in the middle of the day?

My Boy Secret

So recently, I have been talking to this guy online. I hesitate to write anything about liking any guy because of several reasons.  I shall list them!
1. Because I know people will judge that I met him online.
2. Because a year, a month, a day from now I could look at this and think what the fuck was I so infatuated with that loser for?!
3. If I do get over him, I normally look back at my infatuations with embarrassment over how I behaved like such a giggly moron.
4. I also tend to over analyze what I have done wrong when all is said and done; so it is not always pleasant to have records of it.
5. MOST OF ALL, I hate the words being in black and white. Revealing my feelings means revealing the ill covered hope that someone will actually love me one day.

Now I'm not saying I'm in love with this boy by any means. I mean, we have yet to meet in person! But I do have this weird fear that I will be Forever Alone and so saying I like someone is like saying maybe they will keep me from being alone, even just for now.

I really don't want to put that much pressure on any one's shoulders.  O_o

So this boy in my life has caused me to feel some awesome/ sometimes not so awesome feelings. I feel awesome because he gets me on a weird level of I can ask all the millions of random questions I want and he asks back.  Somehow we click?  The not so good feelings are fear of rejection.  But mostly he makes me feel confident. So recently, I'm guessing due to the good feelings of confidence, I feel like I have a bunch of guys who are into me, or think I'm cute or whatever.  Maybe now that I know one guy is into me, I can see it easier?

Well regardless of why I am getting more male attention, it has inspired a list of what I want from a guy... more specifically my future husband, but any guy will do.

As always, prepare yourself for a barrage of pictures!

• I want intimate moments... not the kinds where sex is involved, but the intamacy of sitting in silence or doing things that make your stomache flip flop from how romantic or sweet they were.

Writing on me means writing on my heart

• I want someone who will build forts with me where we can spend whole afternoons.

The perfect way to spend a rainy day

• I want someone who can be artsy with me, whether it involves music, drawing or whatever.

We make beautiful art together =
We make beautiful music together

• I want someone who will make me some beautiful music! Mix tapes, play me your favorite song, awaken within me a passion for a new band!

John Hughes did have it right <3

• Someone who dances or sings or just rocks out at random times with me

maybe not to Phil Collins? 

• I want a love like Jim and Pams... someone to be completely my goofy ass self with who loves me for it.

Mental image captured

• I want someone who will play my silly games: The floor is lava, Dance off, Penis Game, ect. 

penis... Penis... PENIS... PEEEEENNIISSSS!!!!

• I want someone who will give me a library!

haha, this was a joking one (sorta)...
Man do I love Beauty and the Beast!

Well those were the wants.  Here are my NEEDS!

• Someone to play with.

I'm a contender, bitch!

• Someone to put up with my bullshit mood swings.

Of course I have a sunshiney ass!

• I need you to hold my hand as you drive ... I don't know why, I just need something to do with my hands I guess.

Taking on the world together

• I need someone who is going to feel bad for hurting me, and always try to make it up afterwards... because, let's be honest, we are going to hurt each other. 

I want to be tucked against a chest, held tight,
knowing he loves me after all the bullshit

• I need someone who will still be there for me when I start to push him away. When I start freaking out and hurting him because I want him to go find someone less damaged or less deranged. 

This movie is a great example of pushing away
It  gives me hope that even if I push him away,
my Jake will not leave

• I need someone who loves me regardless of time, distance, or any other obstacles that may keep us apart.

Sweet reassurance that you have found someone to spend your life with

• I need him to love cats! 

Loving books and naps are also a plus!

• No lie, he has to love high fives.  My relationship will not work if he is mocking my need of high fives. 

Don't hurt your screen trying to high five this dude!
Gently people, gently

• A guy who is going to tell me his feelings with conviction and without being ashamed.

Mr. Darcy, the original panty dropper

• Someone who can help me beat the water levels.  Who can put up with me calling Princess Peach a "Cheating Whore" while playing Mario Kart.

<3 I would date him in a heart beat

• Someone who knows all this random shit about me and doesn't just put up with it, but loves all of my quirks.

I need all of this. 

• I need him to understand that intimacy comes from us, not the sex we have.  

I know I covered the intimacy and holding hands... but it is just this damn important to me!

• Someone that will stay in bed with me all day cuddling.
• Someone that kisses me on the forehead.
• I need to feel our smiles while we are kissing.

This screams love

• I want a guy who understands my past, my fears, and will help me to trust him and work through it. (Yes specifically I am talking about The Biggest Secret, better known as my rape.)

I want to fill his scars as much as he fills mine

• Obviously I want someone I find amazingly attractive and who I can have amazing sex with and turns me on all the time... but more than that, I want all of those things when we are 80.

I want my grandkids to say we are crazy,
yet want to be just like us one day <3

So this was my blog on what I want and what I need.  Obviously these are the only things on my check list for men... but they are the more unique things I want that not every other girl would.  Take it or leave it, we all need love and at least I know what I won't give up on my quest to find it. 

So wish me luck on this (younger) guy who makes me giddy, introduces me to music, and trades shitty MS paint pictures with me (:  

Until next time, my loves