Also, I did want to update this at least once a week, but that went out the window. I know that I'm fairly anonymous on here, yet there is something scary about opening up...even if no one reads it.
So this post is about me being all blah... just to warn you. I'll try to keep it short and try to not visit the same mood set often. No promises though.
It does make for a good variance in art though...
So tonight I am feeling lonely. This wouldn't be such a shock if I haven't been feeling optimistic until about an hour ago.
Optimistic in the point that I had the overwhelming feeling that something good was in the works for me. Like the universe was going to open up and shine down on me and make some of my dreams come true. Then I get home to my silent room and my optimism completely dies and is replaced by a morose feeling of forever alone-ness.
I love honey!
The thing is, I joke about being forever alone all the time. It stems partially from my complete love of cats. But whatever reason tonight, I had the overwhelming sense that this is it, this is all my life will be.
I was once told by one of my best friends that I am one of the most loving people he has ever known. Genuinely loving he said. Not just towards him and those that I am close to, but to everyone. He says he has never seen me be truly mean to someone without feeling guilty later or without them deserving it. And the truth is he is right. I put everyone before me and I offer them all my caring and support while I don't feel comfortable enough with many of them to ask of the same. This is not their fault... well not wholly. I put up a wall and I know I do. I've had more best friends than I can count, but when they leave my life, we just let things fall; quick or slow, the conversations dry up and they just become another facebook friend that I don't interact with. So maybe I keep up the wall so that it is easier to break ties.
The mantra of a person in the helping profession...
But.. I am loved. Don't get me wrong. But right now, this is how I feel. That I can't be loved without making them feel that I am what they need. I am not loved for me, but I am loved for how I make them feel about themselves or for the services I provide.
Maybe I just need a boyfriend.... A boyfriend, the miracle drug of single ladies everywhere. We automatically believe that they will make our lives better. Well, I think my life would be better with a boyfriend, so shut it.
WHY MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER WITH A BOYFRIEND
By Me!
- Any boyfriend I have will like video games: More video games in my life is always a win
- He will like my hot ass bod: I'll feel more like I have a bod that is indeed hot ass
- Cuddling: It is something special when you are being held by someone special
- Banter: God I love arguing knowing when in the end you will be making up and laughing
- Sex: Hey, at least I'm being honest.
- Love songs would have more meaning: or at least a more personal meaning
- I wouldn't feel as lonely
I'm sure there are more good reasons of how a boy could make my life better, but I don't want to make it seem as though I need a man to live my life.
I'd be the girl on the green couch lookin like a librarian!
There is something really vulnerable about loneliness. Anger empowers, Sadness is understood, and Happiness is appreciated. Being lonesome is somehow pitied because people will sometimes see it as you being an outcast or unloved. I am loved. I just need to be reminded of it. I'm sure I'll feel better in another day or two when confronted by those signs of love. But until them, I am going to be a little down. It doesn't warrant pity or judgment. Just offer your understanding and possibly a hug...
When I feel low, I like to sit on the floor too. It is somehow comforting.
