My Boy Secret

So recently, I have been talking to this guy online. I hesitate to write anything about liking any guy because of several reasons.  I shall list them!
1. Because I know people will judge that I met him online.
2. Because a year, a month, a day from now I could look at this and think what the fuck was I so infatuated with that loser for?!
3. If I do get over him, I normally look back at my infatuations with embarrassment over how I behaved like such a giggly moron.
4. I also tend to over analyze what I have done wrong when all is said and done; so it is not always pleasant to have records of it.
5. MOST OF ALL, I hate the words being in black and white. Revealing my feelings means revealing the ill covered hope that someone will actually love me one day.

Now I'm not saying I'm in love with this boy by any means. I mean, we have yet to meet in person! But I do have this weird fear that I will be Forever Alone and so saying I like someone is like saying maybe they will keep me from being alone, even just for now.

I really don't want to put that much pressure on any one's shoulders.  O_o

So this boy in my life has caused me to feel some awesome/ sometimes not so awesome feelings. I feel awesome because he gets me on a weird level of I can ask all the millions of random questions I want and he asks back.  Somehow we click?  The not so good feelings are fear of rejection.  But mostly he makes me feel confident. So recently, I'm guessing due to the good feelings of confidence, I feel like I have a bunch of guys who are into me, or think I'm cute or whatever.  Maybe now that I know one guy is into me, I can see it easier?

Well regardless of why I am getting more male attention, it has inspired a list of what I want from a guy... more specifically my future husband, but any guy will do.

As always, prepare yourself for a barrage of pictures!

• I want intimate moments... not the kinds where sex is involved, but the intamacy of sitting in silence or doing things that make your stomache flip flop from how romantic or sweet they were.

Writing on me means writing on my heart

• I want someone who will build forts with me where we can spend whole afternoons.

The perfect way to spend a rainy day

• I want someone who can be artsy with me, whether it involves music, drawing or whatever.

We make beautiful art together =
We make beautiful music together

• I want someone who will make me some beautiful music! Mix tapes, play me your favorite song, awaken within me a passion for a new band!

John Hughes did have it right <3

• Someone who dances or sings or just rocks out at random times with me

maybe not to Phil Collins? 

• I want a love like Jim and Pams... someone to be completely my goofy ass self with who loves me for it.

Mental image captured

• I want someone who will play my silly games: The floor is lava, Dance off, Penis Game, ect. 

penis... Penis... PENIS... PEEEEENNIISSSS!!!!

• I want someone who will give me a library!

haha, this was a joking one (sorta)...
Man do I love Beauty and the Beast!

Well those were the wants.  Here are my NEEDS!

• Someone to play with.

I'm a contender, bitch!

• Someone to put up with my bullshit mood swings.

Of course I have a sunshiney ass!

• I need you to hold my hand as you drive ... I don't know why, I just need something to do with my hands I guess.

Taking on the world together

• I need someone who is going to feel bad for hurting me, and always try to make it up afterwards... because, let's be honest, we are going to hurt each other. 

I want to be tucked against a chest, held tight,
knowing he loves me after all the bullshit

• I need someone who will still be there for me when I start to push him away. When I start freaking out and hurting him because I want him to go find someone less damaged or less deranged. 

This movie is a great example of pushing away
It  gives me hope that even if I push him away,
my Jake will not leave

• I need someone who loves me regardless of time, distance, or any other obstacles that may keep us apart.

Sweet reassurance that you have found someone to spend your life with

• I need him to love cats! 

Loving books and naps are also a plus!

• No lie, he has to love high fives.  My relationship will not work if he is mocking my need of high fives. 

Don't hurt your screen trying to high five this dude!
Gently people, gently

• A guy who is going to tell me his feelings with conviction and without being ashamed.

Mr. Darcy, the original panty dropper

• Someone who can help me beat the water levels.  Who can put up with me calling Princess Peach a "Cheating Whore" while playing Mario Kart.

<3 I would date him in a heart beat

• Someone who knows all this random shit about me and doesn't just put up with it, but loves all of my quirks.

I need all of this. 

• I need him to understand that intimacy comes from us, not the sex we have.  

I know I covered the intimacy and holding hands... but it is just this damn important to me!

• Someone that will stay in bed with me all day cuddling.
• Someone that kisses me on the forehead.
• I need to feel our smiles while we are kissing.

This screams love

• I want a guy who understands my past, my fears, and will help me to trust him and work through it. (Yes specifically I am talking about The Biggest Secret, better known as my rape.)

I want to fill his scars as much as he fills mine

• Obviously I want someone I find amazingly attractive and who I can have amazing sex with and turns me on all the time... but more than that, I want all of those things when we are 80.

I want my grandkids to say we are crazy,
yet want to be just like us one day <3

So this was my blog on what I want and what I need.  Obviously these are the only things on my check list for men... but they are the more unique things I want that not every other girl would.  Take it or leave it, we all need love and at least I know what I won't give up on my quest to find it. 

So wish me luck on this (younger) guy who makes me giddy, introduces me to music, and trades shitty MS paint pictures with me (:  

Until next time, my loves