So, I am possibly giving away the most important secret of all and it is early in the game kids!
^ So true ^
So my lovelies, this is a story about my scars.... well mostly one scar that has had astounding impact. I don't know how to start this, so I will just start writing and possibly fill in the blanks later.
I shall start by giving away the surprise NOW!
Once upon a time I was date raped.
I guess the background is that I was new to college and I was hanging out with my guy friends a lot and drinking fairly regularly because it helped me to get over the heartbreak that had recently happened to me. I got to meet a lot of cool new dudes and make some new friends I wouldn't have otherwise. Well fast forward to around Christmas time and I have a couple of school girl crushes on some of my guy friends. We all went to an XXXmas bash at a local fraternity. I wanted to have a good time, but all they had were shots of tequilla, so I started shooting tequilla with my guys. I am kind of a light weight so I got loosey goosey pretty fast. But then something strange happened. I passed out at a party. I have never had this happen to me before or sense. One of my crushes volunteered to take me home and he had to basically carry me there. My memories from this fade in and out pretty regularly. I remember being woken up and told I passed out and I remember him dragging me down an ally begging me to just walk a little. I remember finally being in my room and being so excited to just sleep.
Sleep indeed. He wanted sex and I didn't. I told him no and no and no but he kept undressing me and kissing me and saying yeah and it would be fine and everything, so finally I said "Put on a condom". Then I black out again. Next thing I remember it is morning and he wakes up and leaves.
To go back a bit. Once this same boy, who I liked, was drunk at a party so I volunteered to drive him home so he didn't wreck. When there, I said I would sleep on the couch but he said he would like me to sleep in the bed and he would be a gentleman. And he was. Until I was asleep. I woke up to him cuddling up to me and playing with the waist band on my pants like he was trying to get into them. I was scared and uncertain so I curled into a ball and he had to give up and go to bed.
Now you think I am dumb on several levels. I liked a boy who had already tried to touch me in my sleep (molestation) but I rationalized that he was drunk and that he probably didn't even mean to. Besides he didn't even get in my panties, I had stopped him. Then I got drunk, at a party (some of you will probably say A FRAT PARTY NONE THE LESS!! but there is always chance of problems anywhere, frats, bars, house parties, whatever) and went home with the same man that had previously tried to molest me. Well my only response to this is that I still had a soft spot for him and the fact that I was in no state to refuse help getting home from any of my friends.
So back to the date rape part. I call it date rape because it was a friend and it was non violent. At the time though, I had explained what happened to about 3 of my closest friends. One girl recognized it for what it was and was a saint to try to help me through that time. My brother made the mistake of telling her that he thought I should have watched my drinking that night without knowing the full story and she went off on him for it. I told my best guy friend and he told me that since I said put on a condom and I had liked the boy before that he didn't think that it was rape.
That was all it took. One person saying "That isn't rape" and I was too afraid to say it was rape anymore. I actually got to the point that I convinced myself that it wasn't rape. But then when I would see that boy, I would become enraged. I had to drink myself into a stuper in order to even bring myself to entering his frat house. If he was there I would curse at him and glare at him. If he touched me I would start screaming at him to get the fuck away from me. It got to the point that I couldn't go to his frat anymore because I couldn't stand the thought of being around him.
One semester later I enrolled in a violence prevention psychology class. Of course rape was part of this class. When we discussed rape I broke down in tears because it finally made sense to me. All of the feelings that I've felt and all of the fear and hate made sense. I had tried to hide the truth from myself but then it ended up coming out anyways.
And the longer you put it off, the more hurt you are...
So I finally realized the truth. I could own up to being a victim of rape.. kinda. With the truth came a lot of thoughts....
Some of the more pervasive thoughts:
* Staying with a boy that I like and not being able to sleep for fear of them trying to reach down my pants
There is something crushing about realizing that you trusted the person who hurt you more than anyone else...
* Someone I liked did this to me... Someone I wanted to date. How can I be so bad a picking people?
* If a strange man gets too chummy with me at a bar because he thinks I'm hot or cute or funny, I am immediately weary and treat him like an ass because I am afraid of his intentions
* If someone is being too sexual towards me, I clam up and wait to be rescued.
* If I see the man who did this to me I start shaking and all I want to do is leave.. to run away. One time I saw him in a bar and I ran outside to cry, but I refused to let him dictate my night like that so I went back in and sat so close with my best guy friend that he joked that I should be sitting in his lap for how much I was "on" him. He didn't know that I was so afraid that I couldn't force myself to sit any further away from him.
* I was never "that girl" the kind who would get raped. I was the girl who reads books for fun and plays Mario Kart and graduated Saluditorian from high school... I'm not the kind of girl who gets raped... but suddenly I am a rape victim and I am EXACTLY that kind of girl.
I have learned a lot from my experience. I've learned that I am stronger than I could have ever imagined. But I've also learned that I am now very weak as well. I need to master my fear and not let it control me. I've also learned that my family is the most understanding and accepting family in the world. Not once did anyone ever judge me for what happened and they don't see me as a different person the way that I saw myself for a long time.
No one can ever take away my strength.
~YET~
Not all of my changes are positive and I must accept myself as I am
I still mourn the lost of the life I did not get to live. I wonder what I would be like if the rape had never occurred. I wonder if I would be more social. If I would be more attractive somehow. I wonder if I would be less compassionate.
I wonder if I would like the person I would have become because I definitely like who I am now. Despite everything, know that my rape has made me who I am and I like who I am on the whole.
So to the man that raped me:
Times, like, infinity
Some of you are probably thinking that its weird that I worry about telling his friends and hurting his reputation and telling him and hurting him because of losing his virginity that night but the truth is, victims protecting their attacker is semi common. That and I am afraid. I am afraid of people saying I am doing it for attention, afraid of people saying that I wasn't raped, afraid of him and his reaction (I mean I can't stand to be in his presence with no interaction, imagine if he had an angry outburst toward me...) I'm afraid of so many things. I have to work on that too because I will never truly be a survivor until I can own up and say eff off to all of those who doubt me.
So remember, dear readers
Women either!
And remember that these secrets and this blog are meant to help out people with what they are going through. Don't let this one blog make you think of me as "a rape victim" and don't let the last one make you think of me as "an emo"... how about this, just don't label me, because you have much more to learn before you can fit me into anyone one label (trust me, I still can't figure out what label I fit... other than BADARSE!)
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| The actual Biggest Secret! |
So goodbye for now my loves. To see you off, I will share this with you... it makes my life every time I see it!
SO FREAKING AMAZING!
THIS IS THE CUTEST DOG IN A MAILBOX EVER!
I DARE YOU TO FIND CUTER!
Next blog: The Dual Personalities or Food or Books... I don't know, I like a lot of things!
