The sparkle in your eyes, The smoke in your breath

So this secret is again about internet boy, Nick.

We finally did get to meet and he locked himself out of his house and I got to chill with his sister. She is awesome and super cool and pretty!  You can tell that they <3 each other and their relationship reminds me of mine with my brother.

Well we got to meet again a couple days later and took a walk with people from his work. Then that night we met up again to hang out. We ended up spending so much time together that I decided to skip sleep in order to stay with him.

That sounds crazy. I know. Just... well another secret my dears is that I love anyone that I can stay up all night with and just talk. If you ever get the chance to do it with me, then just know that part of me has fallen in love with part of you in that one night.

These are the most beautiful nights

So yeah, a little crazy to stay up all night with someone who I barely know. And we did trade secrets. I know more about his family and he knows about mine. I know of his past and he knows a bit of mine. Although he doesn't know The Biggest Secret and he doesn't even know some of the larger yet not so big secrets; but, hey, a girl has to keep her modesty, right?

Good, Bad, Meh.. its all in the past

 and you should be thankful because without it, you wouldn't be who you are. 

Most of the night was strictly friendly but towards the morning, sharing a blanket outside, talking as the sun rises I finally laid my head on his shoulder. At some point he finally held my hand. Soon we laid on the couch, still sharing amazing details of our lives but also wrapping up in each other. He said he could make me some pancakes but I declined because I'd rather be sleepless and hungry than miss out on this. 

Can I call you darling anyways?

Then this amazing boy went and lost his freakin phone. So the texting we had been doing is suddenly out the window. I'm suddenly feeling very vulnerable and scared that the sleeplessness was what caused us to be able to get so close and that he regrets the decision. 

I'm still not convinced this isn't the case. He has told me since then that he has never once lied to me, but at the same time, how do I know that something that is true in one moment is truly true? I need him to grab me by the hand again, or to make it clear that he needs to see my face because his days are not so bright without me. 

And let me tell you, his thoughts can be so amazing

So now I'm at this place where we don't talk for days in a row and I miss seeing him and the excitement I get from that. I begin to think I should message him, yet I don't want to message too much. I feel insecure yet scared. 

Especially with all those other pretty girls posting on his wall;

They have to see the awesome cute boy I see. 

When we do hang out, he doesn't do anything that is a replay of that night we got close. We sit on the couch and joke and watch tv, but no cuddling hand holding or anything. Its like hanging out with a friend. Which is fine! Being his friend is great! But at the same time, I want more and I need to know if he does too. 

Always hold my hand. Always.

So then I start annalyzing everything. If he does this, it means this. If he does that it means something completely different. And I know exactly what my problem is...

Yup, this is me!

So here I am messaging him sometimes but always worried about it. Trying not to step over the friend line because I don't know if that is what he wants. I'm feeling like an insecure 12 year old. I feel happy and sad and excited and lethargic all in one! 

mostly I'm just the last one

But at least I'm not messaging him every single day. I'm pretty impatient, so I kinda want to cyber stalk him, but for now I'm trying to keep my cool. 

I don't think keeping my cool is working...

I think this blog about this random kid in itself makes me a little weird and creepy. 

So now I'm just waiting on him to give me a sign. Just the smallest sign and I'd be willing to be the one that makes the move. I don't need him to be the one who does something first (something I've said in the past) but I do need to know that I'm not jumping out to be crushed with no chance of anyone there to catch me. 

Just ask me and I'll tell you!!

So here's to waiting around for him to message me back. and to praying that for once the universe will shine down upon me and let that beautiful boy with the smoky breath and the hazy house actually like me back. 

Hope is always a good thing to keep aorund

Getting secrets off my mind

So this is an impromptu Secret.

I actually kinda hate blogs.  That isn't my secret.  I just hate them because they seem like a very narcissistic invention. We just assume that others want to know about us and what we think. And it's partially true. We don't want to know about others so much as feel normal when we experience what they experience, or we want to know their secrets and know that while their secrets are out, ours are still safe at home in our minds and hearts.

Well the point of this rant is that, yes, I am using my blog as a way of recording my life as it is happening to me.  Someday I can look back and see I was thinking about weigh issues that week or thinking about Nick this week.  So in a way, this blog about my insecurities and my awesomeness, this blog is my diary that I am opening up for the world to see.

As you can possibly tell, I'm in more of a serious mood tonight, and a little more cynical than usual. I will try to be straight (not as in truth telling) and not get all jumbled in my thoughts, but this blog entry is strictly about all of my thoughts bouncing around and keeping me up so I need a way to get rid of them.

My first secret is how much I hate telling people anything.  I have this block where I don't like telling people my problems or my secrets. And if I do slip up and tell someone my worries, I usually never bring it up again and when they ask about it, I say it is all fine. I don't know that I don't like being taken care of; I'm sure it is quite lovely. I've just always been the carrier for other people, I don't know how to let someone carry me. I have trusted a few people, and weirdly enough, I keep going back to them to trust them, even when the time or situation has changed and they wouldn't expect to be my burden helper. I refuse to let someone else in that way.

I have been utterly loved by someone outside of my family... just once

Next secret is about Nick. That internet boy. Well I still really <3 him, and we have been discussing meeting in person. We have even set up some non dates to meet in person, but every time he doesn't text me. Last time I was SO pissed, I cried because I felt like a failure, like I did something wrong. Then he did finally text me and told me he fell asleep and only just woke up and was late for work and everything and he was so so sorry and would make it up to me if I just told him I didn't hate him.  I actually cried tear of joy at that. WHO DOES THAT?! That is the type of shit that people in horrible relationships do... I'm lucky I've never been in an abusive relationship if I blame myself the the problems and cry with relief when he comes to me with an excuse. I'm not saying that I don't believe the excuse, I just shouldn't let anyone effect me that much. I need to be more... shut off?

I hope I find love after all the bullshit that life has in store for me

  That last image was a little unfair. I don't know that he and I aren't going to work out or become the best of friends or whatever. Its just that we used to text all the time and now I feel like we are both pulling away.

My next secret. I don't know that I have one.   I guess one secret is that I am messaging my friend right now on facebook and he is an amazing guy who is smart as hell and always makes me feel good and I could be in love with him if we date, but I would not do that. I have a lot of friends like that, I think. A lot of guys that I love deeply and who I feel like I can trust and turn to, but I would never date them because of that other secret. I can't risk losing anyone I can confide in because they are so rare.  And I honestly know that it is dumb to say that because all of the best relationships start as friendships. But no. My mind cannot convince my heart to take a leap like that.

This is a good one.  Earlier I said I want to be more closed of, but in truth I am very very closed off.  I need to write a secret about that. Remind me. K?

So basically I feel all whiney because none of this actually matters.  I'm normally a very upbeat person, and when I lose that, I fucking lose it. I become this morose depressed person. I'm only sad for a short period of time, but it is the way it is.  Its not because I have a mental disorder, its just that after carrying all the stress and problems of my friends and family and not really having someone to help shoulder my own problems, after doing that for long enough with a smile on your face, you deserve to fucking break down.

not to brag, but I'm pretty smart

So I feel a break down coming, and I just sort of let it happen. I don't seek help from friends or family. Most of them don't even know that it is happening. I shut myself in my room for about a week and watch movies, any movie really, sad, happy, romantic, scary.. I just watch movies and cry when I hear loving words from those I love or when something touching happens in one of the movies.

How I feel currently.. and look, I'm pretty cute, I must say.
Well maybe not as cute as an owl
<3

So basically, I'm saying no one can be happy 24/7. Life doesn't work that way. My life appears to, and if you ever meet me in person, I won't admit to anything other than my life being fun and amazing, with a coulple of minor annoyances.... But for now, I just need to look on the bright side.  Like my future tattoo. Dum Spiro spero, while I breath, I hope. I just need to keep my hope and my faith, and keep my head up.

but what do you do in the middle of the day?