Getting secrets off my mind

So this is an impromptu Secret.

I actually kinda hate blogs.  That isn't my secret.  I just hate them because they seem like a very narcissistic invention. We just assume that others want to know about us and what we think. And it's partially true. We don't want to know about others so much as feel normal when we experience what they experience, or we want to know their secrets and know that while their secrets are out, ours are still safe at home in our minds and hearts.

Well the point of this rant is that, yes, I am using my blog as a way of recording my life as it is happening to me.  Someday I can look back and see I was thinking about weigh issues that week or thinking about Nick this week.  So in a way, this blog about my insecurities and my awesomeness, this blog is my diary that I am opening up for the world to see.

As you can possibly tell, I'm in more of a serious mood tonight, and a little more cynical than usual. I will try to be straight (not as in truth telling) and not get all jumbled in my thoughts, but this blog entry is strictly about all of my thoughts bouncing around and keeping me up so I need a way to get rid of them.

My first secret is how much I hate telling people anything.  I have this block where I don't like telling people my problems or my secrets. And if I do slip up and tell someone my worries, I usually never bring it up again and when they ask about it, I say it is all fine. I don't know that I don't like being taken care of; I'm sure it is quite lovely. I've just always been the carrier for other people, I don't know how to let someone carry me. I have trusted a few people, and weirdly enough, I keep going back to them to trust them, even when the time or situation has changed and they wouldn't expect to be my burden helper. I refuse to let someone else in that way.

I have been utterly loved by someone outside of my family... just once

Next secret is about Nick. That internet boy. Well I still really <3 him, and we have been discussing meeting in person. We have even set up some non dates to meet in person, but every time he doesn't text me. Last time I was SO pissed, I cried because I felt like a failure, like I did something wrong. Then he did finally text me and told me he fell asleep and only just woke up and was late for work and everything and he was so so sorry and would make it up to me if I just told him I didn't hate him.  I actually cried tear of joy at that. WHO DOES THAT?! That is the type of shit that people in horrible relationships do... I'm lucky I've never been in an abusive relationship if I blame myself the the problems and cry with relief when he comes to me with an excuse. I'm not saying that I don't believe the excuse, I just shouldn't let anyone effect me that much. I need to be more... shut off?

I hope I find love after all the bullshit that life has in store for me

  That last image was a little unfair. I don't know that he and I aren't going to work out or become the best of friends or whatever. Its just that we used to text all the time and now I feel like we are both pulling away.

My next secret. I don't know that I have one.   I guess one secret is that I am messaging my friend right now on facebook and he is an amazing guy who is smart as hell and always makes me feel good and I could be in love with him if we date, but I would not do that. I have a lot of friends like that, I think. A lot of guys that I love deeply and who I feel like I can trust and turn to, but I would never date them because of that other secret. I can't risk losing anyone I can confide in because they are so rare.  And I honestly know that it is dumb to say that because all of the best relationships start as friendships. But no. My mind cannot convince my heart to take a leap like that.

This is a good one.  Earlier I said I want to be more closed of, but in truth I am very very closed off.  I need to write a secret about that. Remind me. K?

So basically I feel all whiney because none of this actually matters.  I'm normally a very upbeat person, and when I lose that, I fucking lose it. I become this morose depressed person. I'm only sad for a short period of time, but it is the way it is.  Its not because I have a mental disorder, its just that after carrying all the stress and problems of my friends and family and not really having someone to help shoulder my own problems, after doing that for long enough with a smile on your face, you deserve to fucking break down.

not to brag, but I'm pretty smart

So I feel a break down coming, and I just sort of let it happen. I don't seek help from friends or family. Most of them don't even know that it is happening. I shut myself in my room for about a week and watch movies, any movie really, sad, happy, romantic, scary.. I just watch movies and cry when I hear loving words from those I love or when something touching happens in one of the movies.

How I feel currently.. and look, I'm pretty cute, I must say.
Well maybe not as cute as an owl
<3

So basically, I'm saying no one can be happy 24/7. Life doesn't work that way. My life appears to, and if you ever meet me in person, I won't admit to anything other than my life being fun and amazing, with a coulple of minor annoyances.... But for now, I just need to look on the bright side.  Like my future tattoo. Dum Spiro spero, while I breath, I hope. I just need to keep my hope and my faith, and keep my head up.

but what do you do in the middle of the day?