The sparkle in your eyes, The smoke in your breath

So this secret is again about internet boy, Nick.

We finally did get to meet and he locked himself out of his house and I got to chill with his sister. She is awesome and super cool and pretty!  You can tell that they <3 each other and their relationship reminds me of mine with my brother.

Well we got to meet again a couple days later and took a walk with people from his work. Then that night we met up again to hang out. We ended up spending so much time together that I decided to skip sleep in order to stay with him.

That sounds crazy. I know. Just... well another secret my dears is that I love anyone that I can stay up all night with and just talk. If you ever get the chance to do it with me, then just know that part of me has fallen in love with part of you in that one night.

These are the most beautiful nights

So yeah, a little crazy to stay up all night with someone who I barely know. And we did trade secrets. I know more about his family and he knows about mine. I know of his past and he knows a bit of mine. Although he doesn't know The Biggest Secret and he doesn't even know some of the larger yet not so big secrets; but, hey, a girl has to keep her modesty, right?

Good, Bad, Meh.. its all in the past

 and you should be thankful because without it, you wouldn't be who you are. 

Most of the night was strictly friendly but towards the morning, sharing a blanket outside, talking as the sun rises I finally laid my head on his shoulder. At some point he finally held my hand. Soon we laid on the couch, still sharing amazing details of our lives but also wrapping up in each other. He said he could make me some pancakes but I declined because I'd rather be sleepless and hungry than miss out on this. 

Can I call you darling anyways?

Then this amazing boy went and lost his freakin phone. So the texting we had been doing is suddenly out the window. I'm suddenly feeling very vulnerable and scared that the sleeplessness was what caused us to be able to get so close and that he regrets the decision. 

I'm still not convinced this isn't the case. He has told me since then that he has never once lied to me, but at the same time, how do I know that something that is true in one moment is truly true? I need him to grab me by the hand again, or to make it clear that he needs to see my face because his days are not so bright without me. 

And let me tell you, his thoughts can be so amazing

So now I'm at this place where we don't talk for days in a row and I miss seeing him and the excitement I get from that. I begin to think I should message him, yet I don't want to message too much. I feel insecure yet scared. 

Especially with all those other pretty girls posting on his wall;

They have to see the awesome cute boy I see. 

When we do hang out, he doesn't do anything that is a replay of that night we got close. We sit on the couch and joke and watch tv, but no cuddling hand holding or anything. Its like hanging out with a friend. Which is fine! Being his friend is great! But at the same time, I want more and I need to know if he does too. 

Always hold my hand. Always.

So then I start annalyzing everything. If he does this, it means this. If he does that it means something completely different. And I know exactly what my problem is...

Yup, this is me!

So here I am messaging him sometimes but always worried about it. Trying not to step over the friend line because I don't know if that is what he wants. I'm feeling like an insecure 12 year old. I feel happy and sad and excited and lethargic all in one! 

mostly I'm just the last one

But at least I'm not messaging him every single day. I'm pretty impatient, so I kinda want to cyber stalk him, but for now I'm trying to keep my cool. 

I don't think keeping my cool is working...

I think this blog about this random kid in itself makes me a little weird and creepy. 

So now I'm just waiting on him to give me a sign. Just the smallest sign and I'd be willing to be the one that makes the move. I don't need him to be the one who does something first (something I've said in the past) but I do need to know that I'm not jumping out to be crushed with no chance of anyone there to catch me. 

Just ask me and I'll tell you!!

So here's to waiting around for him to message me back. and to praying that for once the universe will shine down upon me and let that beautiful boy with the smoky breath and the hazy house actually like me back. 

Hope is always a good thing to keep aorund