The Awkward and Awesome Secret

Sometimes it is hard for me to write in this blog. Even though I have put no identifying information, I am putting a shit ton of personal information out there for people to see, read, and possibly judge.

And even on the mysterious internet, it is hard to be dismissed and rejected. So as I continue (sporadically) with my blog, I will try to let you in on more about me. Deeper thoughts and feelings. And if you feel the same way I do, well at least you know you have a friend out there.

So this week’s secret is a little about my past and a little about my present. 

When I was younger I was really self-conscious. Most girls say this. The media shows us what to be like and if you are anything like me, you are the girl next door type, not the model type. But back then I didn’t even think that. I used to think I was completely hideous. I’ve always been somewhat over weight. I have this amazing ability to see beauty in almost anyone, but I couldn’t see it in myself, and because of that I thought no one else saw any good in me either.

I used to wish I was anyone else. I wished I was skinner, prettier, had clear skin, had different hair…

I would cry over how hideous I was.

The other day I realized, I haven’t cried over being ugly in a long time. And it is not that I’m 1000000x prettier now, in fact I gained weight when I got to college, I quit dying my hair, and I still have break outs. But now I’m happy with who I am. And those parts that I’m not happy with, I am trying to change…

Pretty much how I look running^ :D

So thinking of how I don’t hate myself made me think of things about myself that I like that are unusual to like, and things that I like that are apparent why I like them. That is to say, my awkwardness and my awesomeness.

So my confession is that I am an awkward person.

I always have been. I seem to dwell on little things I say to people that may have embarrassed them or me long after the incident, and a very long time after the other person has forgotten. 

I have a hard time acting. Like when I am feeling something, it shows. It is a blessing and a curse, but mostly, it is just awkward.

Pretty much all awkward penguins describe me. I hate eating in front of people for fear of being judged. I hate walking in front of the class to turn in my work, and especially if I’m one of the first ones or last ones done. I hate going to parties where I only know one or two people because I don’t want to be clingy, yet I know I will end up super awkward in a corner by myself.

Sometimes weird things will come out of my mouth and people will think that I am a weird person

yet that also plays in my favor because people like to laugh at some of my weirdness. And, hey, at least I’m being me!

So my awkwardness isn’t the curse I used to think it was. It is now the common ground for me to make some amazing friends! For me to be accepted by people because they find my quirks and my “WTF” behavior to be fun and interesting.

For example, I am a huge dork. I will never stop being a dork and I will not apologize for being one. And honestly I don’t know if it is dork, dweeb, nerd, or geek. I am just me.

Also, I have the capacity to be very immature at times

Because one can never be too old for bedroom forts and nerf wars!

Sometimes I use my awkwardness to embarrass those around me

And other times those around me aren’t embarrassed but instead join in. I will never forget the day that my best friend and I sat outside and used a pickup line on pretty much every guy we saw. (PS if you have any good lines, do share! I’m always looking to pick up more people!)

^I’m that dude

I’m awkward enough to dance in public. But not good dancing, or even booty dancing, it is the most random ass dancing in the world. Yet it is part of what makes me, well, me.

Dancing like this guy right now! *busts a move*

So while this post is all about ME ME ME, its really kinda about you too. Re-examine your life. Is that thing that you think is horrible really that bad? Or is it an integral part of you? Can you learn to let go of what others think and really accept yourself for who you are?

You can’t just slough off all the parts you don’t like or you will be fake. You need flaws, you need characteristics that aren’t the norm because that is YOU.

Even if you are like me…

Geeky as shit and still loving it!

The Not So Secret Secret

So after my last book secret, it is no secret that I LOVE books!!

This post comes from the fact that I just bought 10 new books at the book store, all classics that I need to read, but mostly I just love books.

So tempting... even more so than cake O_o

Books, for me, are so powerful. They suck me into a world that I may not be a part of. They help me learn and experience in a way that is new and unique. I feel safe, yet I feel like I'm a new person. I get to experience adventures. I get to experience passion, sorrow, love, and most importantly life. The life I live isn't always what I want to live. Sometimes I have to step outside of this plain existence, and step into someone else's mind and live a little in there. 

THIS.

Books make us feel so loved. We feel so touched when we come across this feeling; this feeling that we are alone, then suddenly realize that we are not. 

So here we go, my dears, with an overly long list of things I own and things I've read. I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seats!

Arranged alphabetically and if it has a star I have not read it

YA

Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson-- about date rape and high school. I read it before my rape, but after my rape and when I was older, it was much more powerful for me. 10/10                     

Psyche in a Dress by Francesca Lia Block-- bought it because I love greek myths and I love the story of Psyche and Cupid. Not such a good book however.                 

Insatiable by Meg Cabot-- about vampires. Not a huge fan.                                                    

The Blue Girl by Charles De Lint                                       

How to Deal by Sarah Dessen-- Someone Like You and That Summer in one book... Someone Like You reminds me of my best friend and I back in high school. It means a lot to me.                                            

 An Abundance of Katherines by John Green                      

Looking For Alaska by John Green-- I cannot praise this book enough. I love John Green because of this book. Alaska is the FABULOUS girl I would be if I could be anyone, yet I still understand how her life is and how she would want to trade with me. Combine this with beautiful writing.                  

One thing Alaska and I have in common

                         

Infinity by Sherrilyn Kenyon**                                                      

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine-- The best Cinderella story by far. She is so empowered.                                     

The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things by Carolyn Mackler-- this book is the reason I got my belly button pierced. Love your bodies my dears!   

Away Laughing on a Fast Camel by Louise Rennison         

Vampire Mine by Kerrelyn Sparks**                                          

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak-- educational (:       

Books that should be on this list but aren't: This Book Isn't Fat, Its Fabulous (taught me what it means to be proud to be big, and what I want in a relationship even if I am big) and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. This is love, duckies!

Great movie, better book. 

CLASSIC

Jane Austin – 7 Novels--I've only read two of them                                                                  

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte -- definition of dysfunctional love :D                                        

The Canterbury Tales by Jeffery Chaucer**                               

Lord of the Flies by William Golding-- Dear Piggy, we all died a little too.                                       

The Odyssey by Homer**

Le Miserables by Victor Hugo-- Obsessed much?  Also... " Woe, alas! to him who shall have loved only bodies, forms, appearances! Death will deprive him of all. Try to love souls, you will find them again"                                                

The Hunchback of Notre dame by Victor Hugo**               

Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence**             

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee <3                 

Moby Dick by Herman Melville**                           

The Jungle by Upton Sinclair**                                    

Frankenstein by Mary Shelly**                                         

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louise Stevenson**      

Dracula by Braum Stoker** 

Ana Karenina by Leo Tolstoy**                              

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy**                           

WAR

The Greatest Generation by Tom Brokaw             

Flags of Our Fathers by James Bradley**                    

Generation Kill by Evan Wright-- Started my weird love for war books.                        

KIDS

Anderson’s Fairytales by Hans Christian Anderson

The Wizard Oz by L. Frank Baum                                  

Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie --I was in love with Peter when I was younger                                            

Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol-- Great book!                            

Lewis Carrol – 5 Novels                                                  

Winnie the Pooh (comp) by A. A. Milne-- I love the movie for this as well. Great job Disney!

It feels like it may turn out to be, it feels like it will undoubtedly, it feels like a rather blustery day to-day.

                           

Bridge to Terrabethia by Katherine Paterson                  

Richard Scary’s Best Storybook Ever by Richard Scary**    

PROFESSIONAL

Against Our Will- Men Women and Rape by Susan Brownmiller**  

Coping Within the Alcoholic Family by Joseph Perez**                      

The Goddess Within by Roger J. Woolger          

SERIOUS

PS I love you by Cecilia Ahern**                                       

The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom --cried like a baby!    

Angels and Daemons by Dan Brown                          

The Da Vinci by Dan Brown                                      

Lost Symbol by Dan Brown**                                       

The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards --wasn't a huge fan   

A Million Little Pieces by James Frey** -- tried to read and couldn't get into it /:                                      

Memoirs of a Geisha by Authur Golden                                   

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen  -- old timey circuses <3                                        

Bachmen Books by Stephen King -- My favorite being Rage                                           

The Dead Zone by Stephen King                                            

Different Seasons by Stephen King                                         

Everything is Eventual by Stephen King                               

The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King                            

Insomnia by Stephen King                                                  

It by Stephen King** --much scarier than the movie                                                             

The Stand by Stephen King                                                

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova**                                    

Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger --sometimes hard to follow, but worth it.                        

Historic Haunted America by Michael Norman                    

The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch**                                          

My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult -- omg the book so much different from movie! Read it!                                           

The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult-- This book caused me a lot of anxiety. Its about rape and the blurred lines of it. I love the book actually, but it brings up a lot of feelings within me (for obvious reasons haha)                                                 

Annie Freeman’s Fabulous Traveling Funeral by Kris Radish**

Last Song by Nicholas Sparks -- tied as my favorite novel by him. the movie did not do it justice.                                                     

True Believer by Nicholas Sparks                                               

A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks-- my other favorite. If you like the movie, read the book. its amazing                              

The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells    

SERIES

The Looking Glass Wars by Frank Beddor --I love Alice in Wonderland (or in this case, Alyss)

                The Looking Glass Wars   

                Seeing Redd   

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares --I'm a mix of Carmen and Leah, though I'd rather be Tibby and Bridget!

                The First Summer                       

                The Second Summer     

                The Third Summer          

                Forever in Blue            

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins SPOILERS IN THE IMAGE!

                The Hunger Games  

This sums it up perfectly! I need to finish the series!

Inkheart by Cornelia Funke

                Inkheart    

                Inkspell      

                Inkdeath        

Sookie Stackhouse Books by Charline Harris  

                Dead Until Dark                            

Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis (complete in one book)**

Wicked by Gregory Maguire

                Wicked                               

                A Lion Among Men**       

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

                Twilight                    

                New Moon         

                Eclipse                  

                Breaking Dawn  

                Bree Tanner     

Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini

                Eragon 

                Eldest    

                Brisingr   

His Dark Materials Trilogy by Phillip Pullman (complete in one book)   Don't hate on me for this, please. I love reading controversial literature and deciding for myself what I think. Honestly, not bad. 

Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan LOVE THIS SERIES! Again, very into Greek myths. 

                PJ and the Lightning Thief        

                PJ and the Sea of Monsters     

                PJ and the Titan Curse      

                PJ and the Battle in the Labyrinth          

                PJ and the Last Olympian                   

Harry Potter by JK Rowling OF COURSE!!!

                HP and the Sorcerer’s Stone       

                HP and the Chamber of Secrets    

                HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban            

                HP and the Goblet of Fire                     

                HP and the Order of the Phoenix             

                HP and the Half Blood Prince                      

                HP and the Deathly Hallows  

wink wink

                     

Septimus Heap by Angie Sage   (wouldn’t mind in hard, but not too important at this time)

                Magik   

                Flyte     

                Physik   

                Queste          

                Magikal Papers**

Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud

                The Amulet of Samarkand**   

The Colem’s Eye**                        

Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolking  (complete in one book)**  

These aren't actually all of my books. And by NO MEANS are they all of the books I've read. When I say I love reading, I don't mean it as in a book once touched my life. I mean it as in every book touches me in some way and I am forever altered by seeing the world though that window. I collect books as a badge of honor. This is who I am, who I've been. This is what touches me and makes me me. Or maybe the books touch me because of who I am.

No matter which way you slice it, I love books. The smell, the feel, the way the pages feel. So if you read e-readers...

EFF OFF!!!

Lol, just kidding. I see the benefits. I could just never own one in light of owning real books. 

So my parting message is a challenge that John Waters has issued to me. And I want to issue it to all of you as well...

Or tell the to fuck themselves.
Though John does have it wrong, books will always be cool!

So my dearests. Goodnight again. Please bear with my lack of updates, or post on my updates to remind me to update. 

Also, please please please *begging face** suggest a book for me to read and tell me why you want me to read that book. If you like we can even nerd out about said book. I promise to treat it as any object that carries such a large part of you should be treated

none of that shit up top... also I'll try not to stab it in with a basilisk fang (geeze Harry, the book carried part of Voldie's soul, you'd be surprised at the amount of books that carry part of mine. 

For the future: the slut walk, nerdy boys, books into movies. 

The Crafty Secret

I don't know that this one is so much a secret. I guess it is since not many people know this about me. The more secret part is how much I'll probably never complete most of these.

I love crafts. I have a list of crafts that I would really love to do. So this secret is about what I want to do with my future... craft wise that is.

Button, Button, Who's got the button?

I mean crafts can be so freaking cute. They can be expressive and if you give them out, they show love. 

However not all of my crafts that I have in mind are as cute. 

Baby Mustaches!!

BWAH- HA- HA! I am doing this to my child! Now don't get mad at me, I don't plan on torturing my children, I just plan on taking a lot of embarrassing photos of them before they can argue. 

Baby Burrito

Like this picture! This will be my Christmas card for YEARS!!

Don't worry, I'll also  be a good crafty mama!

Mini Kitchen

I mean I know I can just go out and buy one of these, but this mini kitchen is just so darling! I would rather make one and know that it screams me than buy one.  Maybe my children won't see it the same way. 

I can also be crafty IN the kitchen! (Get it, It was a craft about a kitchen, now craft in it... get it?... okay, so it wasn't actually that funny.)

Not really shots so not really implicating!

Look how delicious and colorful this stuff is!! That is one thing I love about crafts... all crafts are colorful. They are so expressive of the individual! And with this food craft, I sure would be expressive (drunk joke.. oh how the mighty have fallen).

One thing I am crafty at is cross stitches. I can cross stitch if I have a pattern so all I need is something that is more expressive of me (less of the flowers and kitties and more something this century!) 

Its-A-Me! Mario!

I love video games!! My family loves video games! So making these crafts are definitely the first on my list, because I think that this sort of thing is what I will give my family for Christmas this year. 

I hope they like crafty me and my crafts as much as I like it.

Yup, that is sure me!

The Book Secret

I should say one of the book secrets.  Also, SPOILERS!


I LOVE Harry Potter.

These are my bibles

Like I fucking LOVE it

How I'm going to teach my child the alphabet

I love everything from the Hogwarts school song

Sing it to a funeral march like Fred and George!

And I love the houses

I don't know which I'd be in... I'm smart as balls, but maybe not smart enough for Ravenclaw...
I could be in Hufflepuff where they are good at finding things...

I love the art work

So beautiful

And I love JK herself

Such a beautiful, smart, interesting woman

I love poking fun at Harry Potter

This is the maddest I have ever been!!!!!

Sometimes the story line is ridiculous

Pretty much everyone's first reaction!

And lordy do I love their pickup lines

I would take this deal in a heartbeat

  

And the mama jokes are pretty okay too

Your mama so whack, the Lovegoods gossip about her

So this blog is dedicated to those who have lived and loved with Harry Potter

It was truly magical

To those who grew up with Daniel, Emma, and Rupert

Emma said it perfectly

For those who grew up on these books... who learned lessons from them

I found refuge in Harry Potter

To those who have cried over JK's words and our friends' deaths

It will never end

To those who believe in the magic

It will always be real

And especially those who will continue to come back year after year and share the magic with the future generations

Made me cry!

To all of those who are getting ready to say goodbye to Harry at the last movie premiere on the 15th...

wait for it.....

THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS! <3

To all of those out there who have enjoyed the books in any fashion, this blog is for you. I know how it feels, just remember, its not over and it will never be over. We will be nerding out over Harry Potter for years. Our grandchildren will read these books. Our great great grand children will grow up with Harry. We were just the lucky generation that got to experience Harry when he was brand new. But we won't be the last to be touched by the story and to grow with the story. 

PS. My brother is not one of these people. He is intolerant of my obsession.  

Not me and my brother, but might as well be.

Man, I love Harry Potter