Sometimes it is hard for me to write in this blog. Even though I have put no identifying information, I am putting a shit ton of personal information out there for people to see, read, and possibly judge.
And even on the mysterious internet, it is hard to be dismissed and rejected. So as I continue (sporadically) with my blog, I will try to let you in on more about me. Deeper thoughts and feelings. And if you feel the same way I do, well at least you know you have a friend out there.
So this week’s secret is a little about my past and a little about my present.
When I was younger I was really self-conscious. Most girls say this. The media shows us what to be like and if you are anything like me, you are the girl next door type, not the model type. But back then I didn’t even think that. I used to think I was completely hideous. I’ve always been somewhat over weight. I have this amazing ability to see beauty in almost anyone, but I couldn’t see it in myself, and because of that I thought no one else saw any good in me either.
I used to wish I was anyone else. I wished I was skinner, prettier, had clear skin, had different hair…
I would cry over how hideous I was.
The other day I realized, I haven’t cried over being ugly in a long time. And it is not that I’m 1000000x prettier now, in fact I gained weight when I got to college, I quit dying my hair, and I still have break outs. But now I’m happy with who I am. And those parts that I’m not happy with, I am trying to change…
Pretty much how I look running^ :D
So thinking of how I don’t hate myself made me think of things about myself that I like that are unusual to like, and things that I like that are apparent why I like them. That is to say, my awkwardness and my awesomeness.
So my confession is that I am an awkward person.
I always have been. I seem to dwell on little things I say to people that may have embarrassed them or me long after the incident, and a very long time after the other person has forgotten.
I have a hard time acting. Like when I am feeling something, it shows. It is a blessing and a curse, but mostly, it is just awkward.
Pretty much all awkward penguins describe me. I hate eating in front of people for fear of being judged. I hate walking in front of the class to turn in my work, and especially if I’m one of the first ones or last ones done. I hate going to parties where I only know one or two people because I don’t want to be clingy, yet I know I will end up super awkward in a corner by myself.
Sometimes weird things will come out of my mouth and people will think that I am a weird person
yet that also plays in my favor because people like to laugh at some of my weirdness. And, hey, at least I’m being me!
So my awkwardness isn’t the curse I used to think it was. It is now the common ground for me to make some amazing friends! For me to be accepted by people because they find my quirks and my “WTF” behavior to be fun and interesting.
For example, I am a huge dork. I will never stop being a dork and I will not apologize for being one. And honestly I don’t know if it is dork, dweeb, nerd, or geek. I am just me.
Also, I have the capacity to be very immature at times
Because one can never be too old for bedroom forts and nerf wars!
Sometimes I use my awkwardness to embarrass those around me
And other times those around me aren’t embarrassed but instead join in. I will never forget the day that my best friend and I sat outside and used a pickup line on pretty much every guy we saw. (PS if you have any good lines, do share! I’m always looking to pick up more people!)
^I’m that dude
I’m awkward enough to dance in public. But not good dancing, or even booty dancing, it is the most random ass dancing in the world. Yet it is part of what makes me, well, me.
Dancing like this guy right now! *busts a move*
So while this post is all about ME ME ME, its really kinda about you too. Re-examine your life. Is that thing that you think is horrible really that bad? Or is it an integral part of you? Can you learn to let go of what others think and really accept yourself for who you are?
You can’t just slough off all the parts you don’t like or you will be fake. You need flaws, you need characteristics that aren’t the norm because that is YOU.
Even if you are like me…
Geeky as shit and still loving it!
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